It started years ago.
I can’t pinpoint when exactly, but I began to feel this sickening feeling inside of me.
I was missing something, and I’ve been searching and seeking for what “it” is for so long.
Like grasping in the dark, trying to find something to hold on to, something to pull me out of the dark world I had created for myself.
I feel it in the pit of my stomach. My throat grows tight. My heart beats hard in my chest…
Symptoms I’ve felt for countless years.
But what am I looking for?
I’m looking for you.
If you want to know why, you need to venture back in time a bit with me.
It was 1986. I was 3.
Every time my parents took a trip we passed the Clock Tower on the side of the street going into and out of our neighborhood.
I would yearningly look at it and say “That’s where my real family lives.”
The day my parents bought me a tricycle, I was outta there.
3 years old and determined to find my “real family.”
I peddled furiously away from the home I was being raised in, rushed to the Cornerstore nearby to gather supplies, ready for my trip to my family in the Clock Tower.
I had to be prepared, and I definitely didn’t want to reunite with my family empty handed.
Fortunately, a kind lady noticed me and got me safe and sound back home to my real family, ruining my plans for reuniting with my make-believe-Clock-Tower-family.
It’s so interesting for me to reflect on the fact that even as young as 3 years old, I just didn’t feel like I fit in.
I was looking for the family I could fit into.
I was chasing after my tribe, even back then.
Fast-forward to the tender age of 10.
In the span of that year I had two major traumas hit me back-to-back.
My body was in transition and it was creating all sort of pain for me.
The attention it brought me shattered my confidence and tore holes into my heart.
My favorite cousin, closest in age and most fun to play with took things too far one day, forcing himself on top of me on my grandparent’s couch to “Play Doctor” with the door locked.
After screams of terror caught the attention of my parents, and the door was forced open to rescue me, my innocence, and my trust in men, were severed.
Starting a new school year, in a new school, with a maturing body, I was viciously harassed by my school mates for looking too much like a woman.
“What is it today Nicolette? Oranges or Apples?”
“Why don’t you show us that they are real, and you aren’t stuffing your bra?”
“You’re such a fake. Those boobs aren’t real.”
It was awful.
I recall coming home from school every day in tears. Sobbing over the harsh words of the kids.
These events seemed to foreshadow the events that repeatedly created more trauma in my life for years to come.
These situations punched lasting blows that took the wind out of my soul, spirit, confidence, and significance.
The rest of my childhood into my young adult years were full of conflict, pain, and confusion.
I felt awkward, alone, insignificant.
I struggled to connect with people, and I was always an outcast in school.
Church was the only place that I really felt safe to be a bit more “me.”
But, that didn’t make the Catechism teachers very happy.
I’d always question the status quo, challenge the teachings, and engage in spiritual conversations that made my teachers uncomfortable.
I believed in God, I just doubted the dogma.
I knew I was safe with Jesus, but not with religion.
And so set me on a trajectory that kept me as an outcast, black sheep, awkward, insecure, nonconformist.
Whoa. Try saying that 5 times fast.
There was always a whisper of something else.
A whisper speaking to me ever so softly underneath all of the heartache. “There is so much more.”
It was always there, under the surface. And I kept trying to uncover it. Shed light on it.
Expose it, and understand it.
What is that “so much more?”
Even though I was as abnormal as a kid can be (or so I thought), I was able to connect deeply with the friends I did make.
I have always been extremely empathetic, and I have repeatedly been a safe place for my friends to come to and be who they are with no judgment and all love.
A part of me loved making my friends happy, smile, and feel accepted. Another part of me sabotaged those friendships again and again.
My mom would always tell me “Nic, you should be a social worker.”
She thought I’d just attracted all the kids with problems (what kids don’t have problems?) and she would always say I should be in some type of therapy practice.
I thought about psychology, took some classes but *yawned* at the idea of studying PROBLEMS with people, and how to medicate those problems.
The idea of clinical work was off-putting so I didn’t pursue it.
But, helping people? Making my friends smile and feel heard and understood?
That’s my jam.
Until the past few years, I had no idea that I could make a profession out of this natural skill set that I’ve been blessed with.
Until the past few years, I’ve struggled with self-deprecation, self-hate, and severe depression with an unhealthy side of anger and rage.
As a young adult I’ve been looking for meaning, for purpose.
I have incredible stories to share with you, but I’ll save them for later.
I went from party girl, to missionary, to Army girl, to wife, to mother; all the while feeling empty and worthless, hoping to find what it is I was placed on this planet to do.
Enter Online Marketing
Yep. This feels a bit cheesy to admit, but I kinda love the online marketing world.
I was first exposed to Online Marketing in 2016 when I was called 3 times by someone who had received my information after I submitted some form online.
I had no idea who she was.
I had no idea what form I filled out.
And I was not interested in talking to her.
I ignored her first 2 calls.
But on that 3rd call, I was ready to rip her a new one. I answered, so sassy. “Um, heellooooo???” with as much aggravation that I could muster in my voice.
Problem is, she was good… my sassiness didn’t deter her at all.
She told me about how I could use the Internet to grow a business.
And, amazingly, I had just started a little network marketing business. Of course, this piqued my interest.
So, I played along.
I got into this whole new world and became fascinated with potential.
I was in awe of seeing how many people were making outrageous amounts of money with an online business.
Perhaps what I thought was the coolest part of this whole world is that I could pass by a millionaire or multi-millionaire any day and have no idea because the internet allows us to become crazy wealthy AND maintain a private life.
I never wanted to be a celebrity, and God forbid have anyone actually notice me to begin with. So, having an online following was kinda cool.
But then the worst form of tragedy threw serious darkness over my life.
You see, I was making some traction, and figuring out this whole new skill set with building an online business.
Enter pregnancy #6.
At this point I had carried and delivered 3 precious, beautiful boys.
I had miscarried 2 in between each preceding pregnancy.
This was my 6th pregnancy. And she was a girl.
I was soooooooooooo excited!
Finally, a girl!
The excitement waned quickly, unfortunately. After my initial sonogram, we discovered that my precious baby had a pretty major defect- something called “Bi-lateral Club Foot.”
Upon the next more in-depth sonogram, another defect was found.
Bilateral cleft lip with a strong likelihood of bilateral cleft palate, and a baby that was not growing according to her schedule.
She was small, and the doctor feared her heart would not keep up. He told me that it would be unlikely that I would carry her to term.
It was a week later that the pain was felt.
Something was wrong. Very wrong.
My husband and I went into the hospital to get checked, though nothing in me wanted to go. I knew if I went, it was unlikely that I would return with her.
Sometimes intuition can really suck.
They wouldn’t let my husband, Jon, to go to the back with me at first.
And alone, without Jon, they ran the doppler over my womb.There laid a still, perfectly tucked up profile of my baby.
The pain that shot through my body, the depth of the heartache was too much for me to handle.
Immediately I went into an absolute panic attack.
The nurses and doctors surrounded me, feeding me oxygen trying to calm me down.
I can’t even share the whole story yet, I’m not ready to, and things got way worse before it could get better.
I had to abort her.
That is its own story, and is so painful I still find it difficult to revisit.
After burying my baby I went dark.
I was a mess, and could give a rats ass about business, online marketing, building a brand, or trying to build a following.
Fuck that noise.
And that’s what I needed to do.
I had to spend many, many months healing and in recovery.
My boys were so strong.
They would find mommy laying on the kitchen floor in tears, lost and broken. So many times my boys would come up, and they’d say to each other “mom’s just sad about Libby again.”
They were my little rocks.
It took me over 18 months and a whole new pregnancy to pick myself up and come back online.
I came back online in so many ways.
Slowly, thoughtfully, I’ve worked on building something meaningful.
But what could it be? What could I offer? Who gives a rats ass about me?
What I’ve learned through study of the Bible, A Course In Miracles, spiritual and thought leaders, Kabbalah, and inspirational entrepreneurs is this….Business is NOT about me.
It’s about you.
It’s about SERVING YOU.
How can I help you?
How can I help make your life better?
How can I help you accomplish your goals?
I’ve learned to get over myself. And that is where the magic has happened.
Now I’m fully dedicated to service.
Currently, I’m working through Life Coach certification. I am digging deep to provide the best of my heart, care, and attention to my clients so they can bloom and build the incredible life they desire.
And that’s why I care about YOU.
I know we each have our story. We each have our heartaches.
We each have our versions of the sick cousin, the mean school mates, the loss of a loved one.
And for you who have read through this long, I know that you have a drive and a mission to serve the world too.
My whole mission in life is to leave this world better than when I found it.
I’m still fumbling my way through, but getting better and better each day.
I know this for certain:
- Fear is the opposite of love & I want to help you walk in LOVE and leave fear behind
- What you LOVE and God’s will for you are ONE & THE SAME
- It is a great privilege to be alive today, and you can truly create whatever life you desire to
- You have everything in you to build an incredible business
- Making service to others is the best thing we can do with our lives and businesses
- There is always a way- you just need to find what your way is
- Successful people ALWAYS mastermind, seek coaches, and stay in supportive communities
- I can create a safe space for you to get past your mental constructs and limiting beliefs so you can grow your influence, build your brand, and make an impact in the world
I used to wonder what my purpose is.
I wondered why I had to experience so much pain in my life and why I’ve felt so broken for most of it.
Now I know.
My pain helps me to empathize with other peoples pain.
I’m able to connect deeply with someone’s heartache, and make them feel safe and able to be authentic and transparent.
I know that my black sheepness really served me my whole life.
That being an awkward, introverted outsider helps me to connect with other awkward, introverted outsiders.
My awe of what people are creating in the online business world helps me to see the potential each and every person I come in contact with has to create a meaningful and dynamic and beautiful life…if only they could believe it too.
And so here I am.
I’m here for you.
I care about you.
I think you are amazing.
You INSPIRE me to be the best version of myself, so I can prove to you what is possible.
And I want to serve you.
That is my purpose, that is my calling.
I am busting my ass to become the very best, most exceptional Life Coach that can guide you to becoming even more impactful in your career, and to help you see the power you have within, the influence you ooze, and the dream life you can really, truly create for yourself.
I’m not an expert, but I can be a guide.
I am here to help you get past you, so you can serve, grow, blossom, and become truly unstoppable.
If you want to talk, here’s how to get in touch.
Till then, I ain’t got nothing but love for you.